Thursday, June 21, 2007

John Likes Grass... the blue kind.

Ok, so last weekend my lovely lady and I took our Dads up into the mountains for Fathers Day. We thought it'd be a nice relaxing getaway for them, with each of their oldest offspring. What mountains, you say?! Why the Poconos, of course! You know... the place where you can't walk 5 feet without bumping into a beer distibutor or a cheap mini-golf course. Oh, and yes, terrorists train there sometimes...

Anyway, great weekend. We took up the coon hound, some beers, a little meat, a few lawn chairs... I know it sounds like the prop list from 'Deliverance' but hey, it's the bare essentials up there! All that was missing was a banjo. Well... did we ever stumble upon the mecca of banjos- a freakin Bluegrass Festival! That's right, pack your plaid and leave the earplugs at home. And don't you dare forget your cooler! We's a goin' to the Great Pocono Bluegrass Festival, nah.

Well, we went, and who do you think I stumbled upon there? Go ahead... just guess...

Bela Fleck?! Nope. Lindsay Buckingham? Uh uh. The cast of Good Times?! Pfff.

Well, here's a hint...

Still like "Wha?! Intern Dave, you crazy. What the crap are you talkin about??"

OK. Let's zoom up a bit on the action... maybe you were distracted by Mount Fest (which, unfortunately, wasn't what you think)

NOW look!

You see?! Caught red-handed! Yes, that's him. JDB himself, the purveyor of classic rock- on a freakin upright bass, playin' a bluegrass festival! Are you freakin out like I was?!

No, I was not hallucinating (even though it does say grass fest behind him). The camera does not lie!

You still need further proof?! Hey. Whatever. Case is closed after this one... when you wake up tomorrow and hear "Dueling Banjos" instead of "Night Moves" don't say I didn't warn you!

Cover blown:

Notice the coloration of cheeks, due to the knowledge that his secret life of banjo-loving, upright bass slapping and Yee-haw yellin' days were now exposed! That's what he gets for making me drink toilet water. Intern revenge, at its finest. I rest my case.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Well one thing's for sure, in radio, sickness abounds. Yes, in more ways than one, and yup, in that five-people-herded-into-the-same-small-studio kinda way. John was feeling the heat (or rather the cold) today, as I was last week. Go Go was sick before that, but that's just cause he quit coffee. Jen was sick too. I think. Wait... No, she just got pissed cause John said size 14 was fat. And that giant?! Ha! Well... he just likes to see sick. As in, me do things... that are sick. So then he can laugh. At me. A-hole.

But honestly, holy God I was weezin, sneezin and everything in ...betweezin last week. Pfff. Did I just write that? I did. Ok. Go ahead, Snoop, just... take it. Anyway, my allergies have been worse than ever this year. And we dont have many tissues in our apartment, if any. Do Downey rolls count? I don't think you start buying tissues til you have kids. So all last week I was just sending massive torrents of micro-spray into the apartment atmosphere. Picture a Skittles commercial, only replace the rainbow shower with my mucus. That was my Northeast habitat last week.

Are you enjoying this, Brian?! Hope so, buddy!

So yes, it's been rough... but we don't take any crap from anybody- including our noses! So I been takin my multi-vitamin, a lil Sudafed, a lil more Sudafed... some Benadryl... you know, just being mindful and responsible about it. That and I read recently that a sneeze causes the sensation of 1/8th of an orgasm. You heard right! I read it, it must be true. So by that calculation... which, by the way, how does one measure that you experience "0.125" of a sexual climax, anyway? And who are these horny math geeks?! ...but by that estimation, I, Intern Dave, had about 89 big O's last week!

Now that's lookin' at the brightside.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Intern Insight...

Well they tried again, and I had to strike down yet another attempt at Intern intellect! Today I unleashed a forceful blow of mindpower to the listeners of the DeBellaware Valley... and as it stands: ID-2, General Pop.-0! Perhaps it should be "IQ"...hmmm... eh, I'll wait til 3 in a row. Then I'll make the switch. Yes, I, Intern Dave prevailed once again this morning; hard to believe for some, easy to understand for others.

And if you are sitting there saying "Ha! This kid's a real piece of work... brains my ass... after that Yoohoo answer. Puh!" Well, all I have to say to you is... "like a cat with a mouse". I'm toyin' just with 'em! Gotta make it dramatic, why not give the listener a head start?!

Actually, ok, maybe you have a point. I want to come clean. So to give you a clearer picture of what goes on in my mind, I dug up a specialized miniature super-camera snapshot that was taken during a personal neurological exam. This is actual footage of what is happening in my mind at all times...

Yes, a fusion of genius in a stormtrooper outfit, balanced with a little not-so-genius, some say "delightfully absent-minded" mix, all being monitored by a small Asian man in my frontal lobe. Welcome to my world. It's really not that bad...

Anyway, what can I say? All I know is the Phillies keep winning when I do... and they are playing the Royals next week. So PLEASE, just try me! I'm right here waiting!

Don't forget to wear your sunblock. Peace.

Friday, May 25, 2007

May Daze

I gotta check my horoscope... just to get confirmation that this week was supposed to be as crazed as it was for me. Sometimes life outside of the studio is just as, if not more bonkers than all the shennanigans that go on over the air.

Hmmm. But let's see... on Tuesday I had my unprecedented man-on-the-street interview assignment with America's newswoman. Good ol' Katie Couric. What did the stars have in store then?

"Overview:'Let the good times roll' is your motto -- and when other people see how well you're doing with it, they'll want to join in on the fun. How convenient! 'The more, the merrier' happens to be your back-up motto right now."

Well there definitely were people joining in on the fun... if you count Katie-holics, angry husbands and homeless people! That's pretty on point. Oh, by the way, here's some action shots from the big night...
Now how could she not talk to me when I mean business like that. See what I'm sayin?! Yeah?? Good. Anyway I deployed many tactics throughout the night...

Notice the adoring young woman, staring in adoration of my journalistic prowess and determination. Either that or my boxers sticking out. But that was on purpose as well! You've heard those attraction to younger men rumors with Ms. Couric, oh yes...

And there she is, right before I struck. Yeah, that smile didn't last for long... Sorry to all the fans whose toes I stepped on and whose kids I may have shoved aside. Truly, deeply, I apologize. All in the name of the scoop. Anyway the mission was accomplished! Alicia Lane, I'm comin' for you next. Be prepared. Be scared.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Time to Strip Again...

Only this time there will be no broadcast, no video (sorry, ladies), alas... not even a mere casual observer. At least I think so. We'll see... the girlfriend and I are headed to the good ol' Jersey shore this afternoon! It's summer as far as we're concerned. As long as we can weather the thunderstorms and massive brushfires, we should be headed for the paradise of Lavallette, NJ. The destination where tourists are endangered species (or so I've heard). Let's just say I'm hoping to relax and catch a tan through the cloudy skies, without hearing 'Dance Dance Revolution' in the background.

Yes, the newly unemployed girlfriend and I will be reminiscing about the days of old... like last Thursday. The phonecalls. The databases. The shiny new coffeepot and the way it filled up our cubicles... Aaahhhh. Whatever happened to those days?!

THEY'RE GONE! And we just got to celebrate. Not even a week's anniversary... but we can't help it. Screw the dole, we are on the beach. So I am looking forward to that very much. What do you think, hot pants? Should I bust them out again? I don't think I have swimming trunks in Philly. Just gym shorts. Eh, it's Jersey, who gives one...

If Billy Joel can talk about weekends at the Jersey shore, I aint' worried about what I look like there. Just give me a quiet, needle-less beach and an ounce of sun. I'll be smiling. Oh, I'll also be smiling if my car makes it both ways. Yeah, that would be cool too.

I'm off to find a decent 6-pack.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

An Intern's Commencement Address...

Loyal listeners, especially of the 21-25 yr ols demographic... you may have heard The John DeBella Show's own, Giant Brian, proclaim his wisdom on life after college today. I found it to be a rather noble and honest opinion piece on the life and times of the college grad.

I would like to further the discussion and offer my somewhat wet-behind-the-ears experience into the world of "post-degree". My advice? Take that bachelor's degree. I know, looks like a high school diploma. Hmmm... feels like a high school diploma. Well, you know the old adage- then it is the equivalent of a high school diploma!

Is it?! I don't know. I haven't really made myself too visible yet in the job-seeker pool. Can you believe I actually enjoy all the abuse here?! I guess I do. That and hugs from Brian. They make it all worth while. But can I get a witness?! College is the new high school, and finding a good entry-level job is about as easy as finding good entry to the Playboy Mansion. But I have been supplementing the money MGK pays me to strip, with various odd-jobs round the town...

And this week, I am happy to announce that I have once again stripped ...myself of my one and only CRAP job! Let's call it my "Sanjaya" gig- the one that started with some promise, a little hype and excitement, only to peak really early... and just cling there... and become burdensome, then loathsome, then disgraceful, then somebody hide my gun!

Well, I am happy and proud, bursting with excitement and freedom actually... to say that #2 part-time job, my market research gig, let's call it "Sanjaya and Associates" HAS BEEN VOTED OFF! And there won't be any work for him to follow... no coat-tails to hold on to. Sorry, your Idol Tour has been cancelled. Indefinitely.

Let's just say when John says "Don't take any crap from anybody," his intern listens.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007


Yeah... not so much. I hope! Look, I love mothers as much as the next good son. I'm the oldest of 5- got nothin' but love, respect and adoration! But if I dress up like whatever freak y'all are voting on, I'm gonna lose all love. Respect. Adoration. ...Heterosexuality (which I happen to enjoy very much!)

So all you "kinks" out in DeBellaware Valley- 'Vote or Die' does not apply here. But if you must! Just remember... Brian wants maid and he is always wrong! In fact, after some internet research, I discovered that HE, in fact, has once donned the maid garb... witness!

Pink booty shorts or whatever the other crap candidate is will NOT be touching my skinny little white ass either, so let's just stop with the voyeuristic fantasies, shall we? Thank you. Don't even make me dig up pictures of that to deter you. In fact, here's an idea- start a petition for me. I know there's some 'Dave' fans out there, right?! And I don't mean the hippie frat-band guy. I'm talkin' routers for the underdog, the oppressed?! Well, here's your man. Right here. Help a brotha out! I am your Philadelphia Phillies, your Barbaro. If I gotta clean in one of these get-ups, you might as well break my leg and send me get well cards.

Think of my Mother then! Show some brotherly love for Christ's (and my) sake!