Battle of the Sexes

There's one scenario that every guy goes through in life. Every guy with a girlfriend, that is. I don't care how weird the couple, how offbeat or unique the pairing is- at some point you two are going to be pacing the aisles of Blockbuster together, engaging inTinseltown tug-o-war.

Just admit it. It's bound to happen. Visiting the videostore together is like trying to buy a car at a lot that sells pick-up trucks and sporty 2-door coupes. Compromise is an endangered species. You might as well be lawyers at trial, defending your client. In most cases, mine is Steven Segall and/or Bruce Willis. And they are always guilty- of kicking ass! More commonly referred to as the case of Mr. Action-horror flick vs. Sappy Drama-Romantic comedy (notice the emphasis). A case more common than custody.

Everyone has this problem. Couples simply cannot decide on a movie! It does not happen. Tell me the last time you did the old A to Z strut and had more than one flick in your hand. More than one flick that would be approved. Ah hah! There-in lies the catch, old boys. It's on the 2nd tour that things start getting sorted out...

I will continue the diagnosis after this weekend. Further research must be gathered to state my case. Court adjourned!

White Man Can't Jam?

A very popular sentiment. Truth? Myth? Just plain hate?! Well, while "jump" may be true, I beg to differ when it comes to jam. I'm bringing this up cause I discovered something amazing this past week. My favorite jam spot did NOT go quietly into the night as I thought!

Ever gone to Warmdaddy's? Check it out. Especially if you wield an axe and dig babybacks. OHH! I'll be here all night. Guitars and ribs, if you are completely lost. No, honestly, this place was one of my favorite Philly haunts since my freshman year at Temple. And when I moved back from New York- vacant! I thought it hit hard times, but never wanted to believe the hottest open mic in town bit the dust. Apparently it hasn't! My girl caught a glipse of it in her peripheral vision the other night, while cruising about town. I looked it up. She lives! Well, the warm daddy lives, and no he isn't a brothel or a strip club. Just straight up soul- food and music. That sums it up.

So next week- it's back to the old open mic night! Gotta brush up on my B.B.King and Otis Redding tunes... If you see me up there, hold off on the tomatoes. It's been a while!

Crap, I'm Below 'E'...

So yesterday I realized something. I don't know if it was an epiphany, or just a sad, sad wake up call. I am nothing without technology. Completely inept. Worthless! I was late for the show and went back to get my wallet... then hopped on the Blvd and realized i had forgotten my GPS unit as well. All good... I can get to the station with my eyes closed. It practically is that dark at 530am anyway.

But I got drum lessons afterward, in the suburbs. Oh God. Woods, windy roads, gated communities and golf courses. Only soccer moms at my disposal for directions. OK! That's where I should have "thrown in the towel", excuse the lame pun. But honestly, breaking down would have gotten me less lost than I did thinking I could figure it OUT! I ended up calling the gal to mapquest my way out of suburban hell over the phone.

So next thing, I'm stuck in Philly's 4:30 rush hour on the Schuykill. Oh, look! My gas needle decided to take a nose dive below the little orange landing strip! Jesus, I don't even have anything white, or clothy to hang out the window. Does a blue t-shirt/ oil rag work?? Will that count?! I'm gonna get towed! I'm gonna be out of gas AND paying Lew Blum $250 to get my wagon back. Damn you, technology, you've rendered me useless!

So what happened? I desperately got off Route 1, got lost in the ghetto of Germantown searching for gas. NO ONE drives in Germantown! It's a Septa mecca. I think I passed 24 bus stops before I saw what could be a ghetto mirage. I did 3 miles on fumes to finally stumble into a Hess where I would have gotten crack cheaper than a gallon of gas. And I almost did!

Ok, my point?! Don't forget your damn navigation system. Don't forget to fill up. Don't turn off Route 1 until at least Broad St. Thank me later...

"2 Irish Car Bombs"

There was a lot of that this weekend! It was a travelling circus back home in Allentown... yeah, the town with Dorney Park and that Billy Joel song. And the people that drive like Billy Joel. With the same levels of blood-alcohol. Without the same supermodel girlfriends.

We went out on the suddenly annual St. Patty's bar tour of A-town. A mixture of cheap dives, pretentious Irish Pubs, and people you haven't seen since hitting puberty. And those car bombs, of course! My dad even offered to pick us up later. I almost forgot we weren't going to sneak into rated-R movies! But as for my dad- good samaritan? Or vicarious pop tryin to catch a glipse of drunk college chicks. Hmmm. In any case, we didn't need him.

I called the attention of a 2-foot Wawa hoagie instead, which soaked up my potbelly of Irish beverage (not Shamrock shakes). And my very hangover-free Sunday morning benefitted as well from this 24 inches of glory. Oh, stop it! I was worried though, walking out of Wawa with this cardboard sniper rifle case. It payed off. We ate. We drank. It was merry.

Now take your damn kilt off!

Craigslist Addiction

So there's this list, goes by the name of Craig. Perhaps you've heard of it. I am personally indebted to it. I am gay for it, for Craig, and his online list. I admit it! I found my apartment, my jobs, furniture, entertainment, electronics... everything this year! I have more Craigslist paraphenalia than newly-weds have IKEA. It's that serious.

And yesterday I finally got the last 2 things I've been desiring- Playstation 2 and a love seat. Not necessarily in that order. Not necessarily to compliment one another! But they came within 24 hours of each other, and now I feel complete. They were the last things I've been on the prowl for since moving into my own place again, here in the city of brotherly love. And what brotherly love it is, to have one huge-ass garage sale online and live off each other's crap they don't want anymore! I embrace it. This whole future things is pretty alright.

So looks like it's back to reading about foot fetish parties and sperm donor ads. Craigslist, much like America is a melting pot of all aspects and walks of life! Just watch out for Nigerian wire scams. Oh, and the get rich quick schemes. You want to get rich quick? Rob a bank. Don't lick envelopes. As for me, my apartment is finally complete. And I don't give myself one week before I'm e-mailing somebody else about their junk!

Happy surfing.

Get Out My Way!

One week shoveling snow off your car, the next running around in a speedo. Welcome to Philly! Yesterday freaked me out a little. Outside I went from a jacket, to hoody, to long-sleeve, to t-shirt in a matter of 5 minutes. The last time that happened I was in college, sipping a 40 and holding cards.

But, alas, yesterday was not fun and games (just on the show). The rest of my day was a living hell on the roadways. See, rush hour sucks in Philly, but you add nice weather to rush hour? People can't wait to get in a gridlock! I'm sure of it, I'm telling you, people use nice weather just to get their lazy asses out of the house. Even if they have nowhere to go! OR NO PLAN! "Oh God, it's amazing outside, I gotta hop in my car and join the orgy on 76. The wife can't argue with that!" I swear, people don't just hangout and bike to the park anymore. It's beautiful out- time to hit the mall! What a nice day, perfect for a doctor visit!

So here's my advice, Philadelphians and other tri-staters: the next time nice weather kicks in here- experience it without the sun hitting you through a huge pane of glass. Or through the mall skylight. I don't care if you are one of those twenty-something runner dweebs that has to keep running in place at stoplights! I'll still hate you- but at least you won't be taking up space on the roadways! You'll just risk getting hit on them.

Which, could be a great thing as well. Time to hit the road...

It's been a minute...

but I'm back like your psycho ex-girlfriend! And better looking, most likely! Hope y'all classic rockers have been well, and are enjoying this lovely Spring that seems to have sprung... like Go Go at a-- ok, enough with the similes! You'll have to excuse me, I'm excited to be back at the station, back in my cubicle, spilling the intern beans as usual. They're 'Goya', if you're curious.

And what beans I have to spill! Actually, not really... not much has gone down since I left, just my heating bill. I contemplated getting Police tickets, but then realized I already got two this year and can't afford anymore. *knee slap* Now you see why my jokes come off the air...

But seriously, I really did contemplate going to see Sting and the gang rock Citizen's Bank Park. But really the only time I'd pay hundreds of dollars to see the police on the Phillies baseball field is when fans storm it after a World Series win! Which is going to happen later this year anyway. Patience is my virtue.

So until then, I will sit back, enjoy the nice warm weather and watch the Phils from my $20 seat. If I'm lucky I'll catch 'Sendin Out an S.O.S.' over the PA system, when opposing teams face bases jammed and none out. I'll take that!

I'll see ya at Dollar Dog Day.

And the verdict is...

Guilty... of being hosed by the city of Philadelphia. As you may know, I had my big traffic court date last night. The trial of the century, yeah, that's the one. Well, I get there ready to kiss judicial ass, in the rain, it's 9 at night, I'm walking around a desolate Spring Garden St, you get the picture. Then it dawns on me... "Dave, get your wet ass back in your car. Court is adjourned." AS IN THEY WERE COMPLETELY CLOSED!

I should have known, after the 8 spelling mistakes on my ticket... yeah, that court date? Probably about as legit as any phone number I got in early high school. But I fell for it! Looks like ol' Milton aint the only one with tricks up his sleeve! You got me, Johnny Street!

Let's see: pulled over questionably, a ticket ridden with mistakes, pay a huge fine, and a fraud court date. Where am I, Mexico?! It's in situations like these where you just gotta say...

Milton for Mayor!

I'm outta here. I need this vacation. If anybody finds a judge, tell them to call me!

Traffic Court

That's where I'm headed tonight. Second time in my life I'm heading to see a judge. First time? I was playing drums. My neighbors weren't fans. *wa la* Civil case! This time? I was escaping a monster accordian on wheels. Local cops weren't clued in to that. *presto* Traffic court!

Yes, tonight will be the case of "Septa/Philadelphia Police Dept vs. part-time delivery dude". Start your underdog chant now, got it?? As of right now, the spread is Septa/PPD - $125, Intern Dave + 3 license points. Oddsmakers are saying the city will probably cover the spread, and retain the money they "earned", while the points Dave incurred will probably be lost, after he challenges the play. Points, afterall, are frivilous, since the city can't make money off them- an important point many betters are taking into account.

So make your bets before 9:00 tonight! I'll be back tomorrow (I hope) with a breakdown of all the action. Much love,

Defendant Dave